Dullahan's Syndrome
by Pureauthor
Summary: Doctorate on the strange disease known as Dullahan's syndrome


The Dullahan Syndrome

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I am Pureauthor, here to tell you about a strange affliction known as Dullahan's Syndrome

Dullahan's syndrome is not created at birth, but manifests itself after a gamer (i.e. hereafter known as "subject") has just fought Dullahan. If not treated quickly, the results could be disastrous.

Do YOU have Dullahan's syndrome?

Here are the symptoms:

A slight feeling of mild discomfort at hearing the name Dullahan.

Nightmares of a headless character brandishing an electric sword

A feeling of nervousness whenever you see the spell "Call Dullahan" in progress.

An urge to pee in your pants when you realize you're fighting Dullahan for the third time in a row in the battle arena.

If these symptoms are ignored, the subject's condition might worsen. These are the ways to tell if the subject has entered a more serious stage of Dullahan's syndrome:

Experiences a mild panic at the thought of fighting Dullahan

Strange seizures whenever you hear the words "Anemos Inner Sanctum"

An urge to crawl under your bed at the sight of purple armor.

Dullahan's syndrome has several stages. During earlier ones, the Syndrome can be treated and cured. However, as the affliction progresses, it becomes harder and harder to treat. 

The stages of Dullahan's Syndrome:

Stage 1: Generally occurs after completing the Anemos Inner Sanctum sidequest. Subject may feel a slight sense of dizziness, and a gnawing feeling in the stomach. Best treated by fighting weak enemies such as Wolfkin Cubs so as to reassure oneself that there ARE enemies the subject can still defeat. For more serious cases, we may need to substitute battles with Punch Ants and Wild Wolves.

Stage 2: If subject cannot solve the problems by using the above methods of treament, the Syndrome will still not progress past stage 1 until subject has the misfortune of running into Dullahan in the battle arena. At this point, during stage 2, the subject may began to feel light-headed, and develop a strange phobia of reentering the arena. The most effective way so far to treat this is by replaying the game on Easy mode.

Stage 3: Stage 3 occurs after the subject has run into Dullahan in Hard mode. In this stage, subjects generally will start weeping after the battle, for no apparent reason. He also may react violently to any ignorant fools who claim Dullahan "doesn't look too tough." Treatment for this stage is taking out stress and frustration on said fools.

Stage 4: This stage is brought on by fighting Dullahan in the battle arena multiple times, usually in excess of three fights. The subject may experience temporary bouts of insanity, usually lasting for up to five minutes or less. The longest documented time was three days, fifteen hours, and thirty-four minutes, after Matthew Jameson fought Dullahan in the arena 27 times in a row. Sadly, Matthew never recovered and is now under heavy sedation in the San Francisco hospital. The treatment for this stage is extremely difficult to obtain, as it involves playing "Where is the Love" and "Shut up" at the same time from fifteen different speakers each, all at full volume. Even then, chances of recovery are slim, and those who recover may be permanently deaf.

Stage 5: This occurs naturally if Stage four is reached. The subject begins stammering out cryptic phrases throughout the day, and at times may seem to be hallucinating, as if fighting against a giant, headless monstrosity that only he can see. The most obvious sign of a subject reaching stage five is when he screams in utter and abject terror at the mention of anything that starts with "D". He may also exhibit several traits that remind people of Gollum from the novel "The Lord of the Rings." The treatment for this is to lock up the TLA cartridge, and give him something nice and simple to play, such as Final Fantasy. This treatment takes a long time, and even then, the subject might not be fully cured.

Stage 6: This stage is the most severe of all, and is achieved by having the word "Dullahan" repeated too many times while in stage 5. The signs that he has reached this stage is when the subject experiences a severe bout of epileptic seizure upon catching sight of a GS:TLA cartridge. Following the seizure, the subject will immediately go berserk, and will have to be forcibly restrained. Sadly, there is no cure for this stage. When he enters this stage, the subject is doomed. Fortunately, such cases are rare.

There are some lucky people, who appear to be immune to Dullahan's syndrome, even after  encountering him in the arena multiple times. These people are known to the general public as "pros", and have little idea why everyone finds Dullahan's syndrome such a fearful disease.

We have managed to get hold of an interview from a person suffering from Dullahan's syndrome, stage 5. Here is the record of the conversation.

Interviewer (hereafter known as "I"): So, could you tell me about your… affliction?

Subject: They stoles it from us, preciousssss…

I: Please be more specific, if you wouldn't mind.

Subject: We won'ts go back, precious! We hates it, precious!

I: Has this… … Dullahan's syndrome affected your normal life in any way?

Subject: NO! Don't say that name, precious! We hates it, we does! (starts crying)

I: However, ever since you have entered this institute, you have been on a strict diet of Final Fanasty X, Marios Super Smash brothers Melee, and the Legend of Zelda, the Ocarina ofTtime. It would be fair to say that you must have made some progress, right?

Subject: (Curled up) You musn't say that word, precious. You musn't say that word. We hates it, precious… _gollum! gollum!_

I: Don't say what? Dullahan?

Subject: NOO!!! We can'ts fight it! We hates it! It's coming for us, AIIEE!!!!

I: Most fascinating. Now, could you tell me-

Subject: It dies now, it does, precious! (leaps at I)

I: What are you- no, NOOO!!!! Ack urgleblurglerl… …

(Fade to black)

As you can see, Dullahan's syndrome is a serious threat to us. Now, let us walk through the DS correctional facility, and mingle with several sufferers of Dullahan's Syndrome.

Room 1

Pureauthor: Hi, sir. I take it you suffer from… a certain syndrome, do you not?

Subject: Yes, indeed. However, due to excellent care of the workers, I am well on my way to a full recovery.

Pureauthor: Indeed. Shall we do a simple test then? (holds up a picture of Dullahan) What do you feel when you look at this picture?

Subject: NOOO!!! It hurts our eyes, it does! 

Pureauthor: … Right. (hides the paper) Let's move on.

Room 2

Pureauthor: Hi, sir! Are we correct in assuming that you are a sufferer of Dullahan's syndrome?

Subject: Djinni storm… bad…. Charon…. No way to fight it…… Formina sage… evil…

Pureauthor: Sir?

Subject: Boom! Haha! I went boom! Haha! No more Felix! No more Jenna! Boom! Boom! Boom! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pureauthor: Oookay… (backs out of room)

Room 3

Subject: Ach, laddie! So you be asking about the headless terror, aye?

Pureauthor: That would be correct.

Subject: Why, I still remember when I was fighting that no-faced bastard. I opened with a Catastrophe, then another! After that I resorted to a Charon and a Daedelus to finish him! Ha! He didn't stand a chance! Not until in the battle arena anyway. Damned fool attacked after I just polished off a Flame Dragon. All my Djinni set too!

Pureauthor: You mean to say you summon-rushed him?

Subject: Aye, that's the rub!

Pureauthor: Foul cheater! You give a bad name to GS players everywhere! (whips out gun and shoots subject)

Pureauthor: Another one bites the dust. (looks at camera) Hey! Why are you still filming? Turn it off! Turn it off!

(A hand reaches for the camera and everything goes black)

Room 4

Pureauthor: Last room for today. Finally. Hello, sir. May we ask you a few questions about your affliction?

Subject: …

Pureauthor: Sir?

Subject: There is no spoon.

Pureauthor: Excuse me?

Subject: En Taro Adun

Pureauthor: Um… could you please explain what you just said?

Subject: There are… four… lights…

Pureauthor: What?

Subject: You can't handle the truth!!!

Pureauthor: Right. I think that's all for today. (leaves room rapidly)

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As a special, we have compressed all we know about the strange entity known only as Dullahan. Here is our report.

What is Dullahan?

Dullahan, as explained by Midnight C (Ph.D in GS:TLA, mudshipping, flameshipping, and windshipping), is the product of the dark day when "some idiot at Camelot finally cracked." An apt description, to be sure.

Physical Appearance, and statistics

Appearance:

Big.

Purple

Headless

Big sword

Cape

Red. (the cape, that is)

Statistics:

Health: Way too much

PP: Ditto.

Attack: See above

Defense: Agreed

Luck: Could get 50,000 eclipse summons in a row if he wanted

Weakness: Wind. (unfortunately, owing to the fact that wind characters are too **** weak, they always die first)

Skills:

Formina Sage: This skill was once utilized by Jedi Knight Qui-Gon-Jinn. It involves a gigantic sweeping slash that cuts through almost anything. It is utilized by first stating the runes of Dalrosk, then holding your blade perfectly vertical before sweeping it down in a slashing action.

This, in addition to being one of the oldest skills known to mankind, has the added benefit of being a huge pain in the posterior. Especially right after a Djinni Storm.

True Collide: This skill was rumored to have been first used during the great battle of Anulibar. Thror, the great warrior king of the nation of Feonyx, had led his forces to face the dread realm of Angmar, and it's dark sorcerers. Repeatedly they clashed, and the armies of Thror were driven back to their last and greatest stronghold, Anulibar fortress. There, the armies of Angmar assembled themselves, and the ragged remains of Feonyx' armies prepared for their last great battle. Again and again the warrior's of Angmar attempted to scale the wall, and always, Thror, leading the charges, would throw them down. Finally, the sorcerers prepared a dark spell, weaving the ancient runes, and they called forth Ancaglon, an ancient dragon, whose once-noble heart had been corrupted beyond recall. A single blast he aimed at the main gate, and it fell asunder with a crash.

The armies of Angmar swept through Anulibar like a dark tide, at which none could stand against. Just fifty men assembled to guard the palace- all that remained of the once proud nation's armies. And even as the armies of Angmar closed in, they defended the doors of the palace with a ferocity that dismayed the attackers. Five times the armies charged, and five times they were thrown back. Then Maelgrim, Lord of Angmar, strode forth, and with a single blow smote four men with his Runeblade. Then a great terror seized the men of Feonyx, and they fled, except for three men, most loyal to the king, who stood their ground and prepared to die. Then Thror, king of Feonyx strode forth, and with a mighty war-axe, challenged Maelgrim to single combat.

For two days the mighty warriors locked blades, neither seeming to tire beyond the other. Again and again the two clashed, axe and sword, sweeping through the air. But Thror was wearied with prior battles, and fatigued, while Maelgrim, with his dark arts, needed neither food nor water, indeed, not even air he needed to live. And thus, as Thror charged once more, Maelgrim brought his blade down on Thror's back. 

As the dying king fell, Maelgrim hissed to Thror. "Now, I shall use your very energies to increase my strength. Be content in the knowledge that you die aiding the greatest nation of all. True Collide!" And with a blast of magic, Maelgrim absorbed all traces of Thror into his own body. But even as he did so, a arrow, forged of purest mythril, struck Maelgrim, piercing his flesh, it's purifying essence burning it's way through the dark king's mind. And with a cry, Maelgrim fell, such that in the space of seconds, both countries were bereft of a king. And then, in wonderment that their lord should be slain by the people of Feonyx, all of Angmar's armies turned and ran. And such is the story of the first spell, True Collide, ever cast.

In actual fact, Dullahan learnt this spell from a copy of "Black Magic for Warlocks (advanced), Third edition".

Element swap: This spell is a deceiving spell. In reality, he still retains his weakness to wind and his resilience to water. He merely uses this spell to warn others of Charon. He can afford to, after all. It's kinda like painting a sign in a lion that says :"I'm going to eat you." Makes no difference whether it's there or not. You still get eaten.

Charon: Dullahan, lord of death, has often turned to aid from the boatman of the river Styx. Charon is always eager for more souls, and thus, agrees to aid Dullahan in his dark endeavours. The very embodiment of terror itself, his ability to spread fear is somewhat diminished by the fact that he has been known to hiss "My precioussss…" as the summons spells claims the souls of people. He is also rather frustrated by the fact that even after he has sapped the life force of someone and added it to the river, that can be undone simply by sprinkling some weird golden water on the corpses.

Djinni Storm: This spell generally turns the normally argumentative djinni in complete agreement, as they cry in one voice "Coffeeeee… need coffeeeee…" This has an added advantage of making the characters currently in possession of the djinni piss poor stats-wise. All the better to Formina Sage you with, my dear!

Condemn: Kills people. 'Nuff said.

Haunt: Sends out the tortured souls of those who died of boredom watching "Breath of Fire" and reading "A Series of Unfortunate Events" to haunt people. The spirits have also been known to include famous dead people, such as Elvis, Walt Disney (I THINK he's dead), The Beatles, and Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

Curse: Sends out the spirit of death to embrace a foe. All well and good that Death wants to be friendly, but you'd think he would take into consideration that the targeted person (i.e. the "huggee") will die in four moves. I think that he'd be better off hugging things like trees or rats instead.

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There you have it. A complete guide to Dullahan's  syndrome, and Dullahan himself. Please give your general opinion of this doctorate (i.e. review!).

The author would like to add that he does not own Dullahan, nor does he own Dullahan's syndrome. (Nor would he want to) He merely discovered it. He also would like to apologize to Feonyx and Midnight C for inclusion of their phrase or, inclusion of their names. He hopes that they are not offended


End file.
